‘Half of all marriages end in divorce’ the headline read. ‘Why?’
The friends were sitting at the lunch counter in Mickey’s Diner, having their weekly bacon and eggs breakfast event. One was a married man- another was recently divorced- the third had been a bachelor for many years- 35 of them to be exact.
The recently divorced fellow stated, “I sorta miss her, but I don’t miss the fighting I still have nightmares about. She wanted to control every facet of my being early on in our relationship, then she started putting on weight after our son was born. The sex dried up soon enough, and her harangues grew daily until I just couldn’t take it any more. She wanted to be a stay at home mom, and I couldn’t wait to go off to work each day to escape her clutches, and dreaded coming home and having to be around her. I swear, she was as big as a planet when we signed the divorce papers. The last straw was when she re-painted my man cave and tossed my porn collection while I was out of town on business. I hired a lawyer the very next day.”
The bachelor of long-standing asked, “How long had you known her before you had sex with her?”
“On our first date. It felt good, but was downhill from then on. What was I thinking? She knew exactly how to trick me into matrimony. She got pregnant and propriety dictated that we marry. If I’d known then what I know now I would have dumped her, but she was so damned sexy and willing back then. I suspect that she had my downfall planned well in advance, since we first met at the office where we both worked. What a mess!”
The married man asked, “How hard did she hit you in the divorce, my friend?”
“Unless I get a better job I’ll be effectively destitute until my son turns 18. She got the house, but at least I got the RV, which is where I live now.”
The married man grumbled, “My wife, who in younger years was hot and desirable, didn’t need to have a child to gradually mimic a pork queen. She says she’s happier being large and unattractive to other men. What about me? We stay married, but I would really rather be free. At my age though I think it’s best to hang tough and stick it out. With any luck she’ll go before me and I’ll have the bed to myself in my golden years. She’s big enough that I hardly have room to toss and turn in the bed.”
The long-standing bachelor grinned and said “My policy regarding women is that she has to maintain her weight so that in a house fire in the night I can hope to carry her to safety. I’ve dumped more than one gal for showing signs of weight gain. Early on I warn them, watch the bacon and sweets intake sweetheart! In my view it’s all about respect and self respect. No wonder I’m a bachelor in good standing, heh? There are some lonely times, but at least I control the remote, determine the volume, and bathe when it suits me.”
“I suspect that we married the wrong women, and too young at that,” the recently divorced man stated. “We were young bucks- weak, idealistic, and unformed in our own minds.”
“We let hot sex determine our fate and future,” the long-standing bachelor opined. “The oldest error known to man. I was married for a brief spell years ago, and like both of you made the mistake of going at it after the first date. She put it to me right then and there that if I wanted to keep her I had to marry her. I feel like such a fool! And she cheated on me and lied to me more than once. Years of reflection have taught me to understand that the warning signs of doom were there, I was just too naive to see them. Nowadays my radar is honed so I can better protect myself from the predator class of women. All the good ones though seem to be taken. And I’m sure quite a few of them are in unhappy marriages and grumble with their girlfriends like we do.”
“Would you marry again knowing what you know now?” the married man asked.
“In a heartbeat, but I would wait for marriage before bedding her down. There is one woman I know I want to marry and be with, but she’s already married, and it’s likely that she doesn’t even remember me. But I remember her well, and I imagine and hope that she’s doing fine without me in her life. But at least I can still pour my love out to her from afar and carry on. She totally inspires the seed art I do every year at the state fair, and I’ve sold quite a few that have her likeness immortalized in poppy seeds and wild rice varieties. It’s good to be inspired by a woman, even if she belongs to another man. It is what it is I guess. There’s no understanding them for sure, but I think that it’s better to be alone than to be in anything but a solid and respectful relationship that brings out the best of both parties.”
The recently divorced man declared, “It’s all about love and kinship, and best I can tell love is a feeling you have or don’t have. It’s hard to love someone who wants to control you, manipulate you, and then sets out to destroy you if they don’t get what they want from you. A good marriage is all about friendship-best friendship. A true friend all around. Anyone who would punish you is not a true friend.
CP Butchvarov 2025