The various media were delighted by the recent revelations pertaining to the Pope. Advertising sales and ratings were up. A young woman had been seen entering his sanctum, then observed leaving hours later, without words to the alert and curious aides, who were, despite their expansive and refined sacred sensibilities, filled with dark suspicions and lurid thoughts.
This was an unprecedented development in Vatican life in modern Rome. It wasn’t lost on the Pope’s inner circle that a seismic shift in the church might be brewing. The young woman was one of the Pontiff’s chambermaids, so initially no thoughts were given to her presence in the bedroom of his holiness. Concerns mounted though when she was observed by the papal bell-ringer to be entering the holy quarters in early evening, then seen leaving at midnight, smiling, her traditional maid’s attire appearing somewhat disheveled and out of order. Word was leaked and a frenzied Italian press ran with it.
At her weekly news conference the mercurial Prime Minister was seen to subtly smirk when asked if she believed there was a chance their pope was engaging in holy hankypanky. “All things are possible under the sun!” she declared, then changed the subject by announcing a new deal supplying Ukraine with the latest, most advanced and humane, Italian cluster munitions. “We all stand in solidarity with the heavenly father,” she noted, then departed the podium, a provocative and dynamic sway in her hips inducing in the press corp no end of salacious fantasizing and imaginings.
The young chambermaid would arrive and enter, carefully cradling a bottle of unopened wine, and would leave quietly, grasping an empty bottle, as the bell-ringer tinkled midnight. In another sighting she was seen carrying a basket of wine and roses, the petals a shade of dried blood. The smile she displayed was concerning to all who witnessed her movements.
Was his holiness being tested by the Almighty?
The faithful came to camp out in the Vatican public spaces, pitching tents and exhibiting behaviors common to those who’ve felt betrayed and wronged. The media nicknamed the young woman ‘Spitfire Rose‘ when it was discovered that her name was Rose. Her background though remained a mystery. TV viewership and press sales were skyrocketing as this latest scandal rocked the fragile structure of the world’s stage. Sidewalk cafes and bars were hotbeds of debate and conflict. The churches were filled with confused and sobbing worshippers. Surely, they believed, there was another explanation for what appeared to be sacrilegious and beastly behavior by their icon.
After weeks of turmoil the Pontiff finally broke his silence with a speech carried by all the news outlets across the globe. He stood alone at his balcony, microphones in a row before him, a smile of the near divine radiating from him.
“My friends, it is time for me to reveal the true nature of the relationship I’ve forged of late with the young woman the media has labeled ‘Spitfire Rose’. She has revealed to me, with ways and words which only god is witness to, truths which have caused me to reassess my role as the leader of this church. Our spirited debates and playful interactions have led me to pronounce the following decrees regarding our church and it’s mission.” Just then Rose appeared beside him, beaming and clad in traditional and colorful Roma garments. He turned, embraced her, and they kissed with classical Italian dramatic passion, as the crowd below in St Peter’s Square gasped and were overcome with confusion and high emotion. The Pope stepped forward to the microphones and spoke-
“In the next few weeks our Bishops and Cardinals will convene here to discuss implementing the following changes to our church:
The cathedrals, along with our most humble of churches across the planet, shall open their doors to those needing safe harbor and home. Our wealth will be used to build residences on that church property, and those same refugees will be employed and trained in the builders arts, academic arts, along with every other skill necessary to fostering mental and physical well-being. Our wealth is vast and shall be used to do good henceforth. The church will start paying local, state, and federal taxes, in order to help our secular counterparts participate in a much needed cultural change. All who come to our places of worship will be helped, but all who come must work for their meals and beds. By doing this, and by encouraging the other faiths to follow our lead, the government shall exit the welfare state business and focus on more important matters that confront all of us. We shall practice what we’ve been preaching for thousands of years. Humility, kindness, generosity of spirit.
The official new guidance from the church will be silence regarding abortion and birth control, other than to gently point out that our earth is crying out for us to slow our growth. Love for the earth and her creatures shall be the song that holds us all! But as my new partner Rose believes, woman, not the church, knows best in such matters. She also believes that it’s time for women to have an equal role in the church, including the Papacy. Let there be no more talk of celibacy of the clergy! Give it thought my friends! We must all walk together if we’re to arrive safely and happily wherever it is we’re going in this universe! I truly believe that our founder and inspiration would chuckle and heartily approve of this metamorphosis. I asked Rose to tell me a story or two, in our forbidden hours together, and this is her story. If our church can find redemption and new purpose, all other systems of faith and belief can and will follow! Our rigid theology has made us oblivious to the truth and the heart of the matter here. We shall turn our rituals into loaves and homes for the children, employment and purpose for all, wine to help calm the flocks, and together our growth shall be a beacon for believers and non-believers alike! In Vino Veritas!” The couple held each other, kissed with abandon, and returned to their sanctum, the sound of cheers and ecstatic moanings filling St Peter’s Square.
CP Butchvarov
2023