All the heavy-hitters were there for the golf summit the press had labeled ‘Tyrant’s Summit 2025’. The Don was there, along with the Tsar of Russia, Dear Leader from Pyongyang, and the humble Strongman of China. They were there to enjoy the good weather and perfect greens, with an eye to solving the ‘Ukrainian Problem’. The following account has been transcribed from secret recordings made by the Don’s caddy.
“Good to see you all here in Palm Beach” the Don said, then waved to the press pool standing off to the side of the green. “We’re here today to solve the ‘Ukrainian Problem’ once and for all. But first I think it behooves us to chat a bit while we swing our clubs, about more mundane matters troubling us. Allow me to start by saying that I never imagined that being a world leader would be so exhausting, yet exhilarating at the same time. Don’t the people understand or appreciate our sacrifices on their behalf?”
Dear Leader from Pyongyang replied, “It’s a tough business we’re in my friend. You know quite well, after your brush with an assassin’s bullet, that each day is a gift bestowed, and that our steadfastness and manliness matters to the masses. I’m so glad you dodged that bullet. The tears of my people were flowing as we were uncertain of your fate that day at the rally. That night I re-read our love letters and felt a warmth of affection for you once again.”
The Don blushed and replied, “Thank you for the kind words, my friend. We have a special chemistry between us, and I look forward to our nations working together in the future to build beautiful resorts on your coastline.”
The Tsar calculated his swing, swung hard, and opined, “As great historical figures we’re bound to be misunderstood and maligned. Being former KGB, I can assure you that things are so rarely exactly as they seem. One has to have historical perspective to appreciate our sacrifices for the common folk we lead. We’re the ones who end up in the future histories written, and each of us is one heartbeat away from an assassin’s bullet, poisoned entree, or stiletto thrust in the night.”
The Strongman of China, looking sharp in his polyester golf outfit, responded, “Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder at the reality of my life. I lead a billion and a half of my countymen into the great unknown future, yet know that there are countless characters out there who would slay me if given the chance. It’s sobering to think of my place in the scheme of it all, and that the power I possess is near to that of a god. Thankfully I’m able to temper my hubris each day as I sit upon my toilet and perform my morning ritual. Are we all agreed that the world’s a madhouse, my friends?”
The Don chuckled, swung with precision, and declared, “Our era will go down in the history books, I believe. Each of us has, after much reflection, realized that history demands that we make our countries great again. We certainly can’t count on Europeans to lead the way globally any more. The last great Frenchman was Voltaire, the last great Brits were the Beatles, and the last great German was JS Bach. It’s up to us to be great from now on. Such a simple assertion, yet we meet with obscene blowback from our enemies. The New York Times just doesn’t get it. I’d shut them down, except my wife likes the crosswords and fashion updates in their daily rag.”
Dear Leader laughed, swung elegantly, and stated, “I was born into my status. Early on I realized that I was doomed to a certain early demise, were I not to accept my fate and play along with the rules of the game. As I studied and skied as a young man in Switzerland it dawned on me that it was kill or be killed in my homeland. It’s sobering to realize that there’s always someone out there who wants the power you have, and that only by ruthless attentiveness will you survive one day to the next. By the way, I have to applaud you for your smackdown of that comedian leader of Ukraine, my friend. The man is so clearly out of his league fighting with Mother Russia. Doesn’t he recognize the hopelessness of his cause? One doesn’t engage in war unless victory is possible. And his beggings for western weapons and money is unbecoming of a leader. Also, he never dresses for success, so success evades him. My Tsar friend, what are your thoughts on the resolution to the ‘Ukrainian Problem’?”
The Tsar immediately replied, “Now that America has sensible leadership again I see no obstacles to quick resolution of the matter. It is problematic though that certain European and American interests seem intent on prolonging the war at all costs. The only winners are the arms merchants. The Krupps, Lockheeds, Winchesters, Boeings, and Glocks line their pockets, while the peasants dig for grubs in the freshly tilled battlefield soil. For Mother Russia it is a matter of honor that areas of Ukraine re-join our family, and that the rest of Ukraine serve as a weapon and Nazi-free buffer zone. Our memory of past invasions and aggressions tempers our willingness to expose our frontier to the western philosophy most Russians find abhorrent. I think that the dissolution of NATO would go far in easing our angst, which led to this tragedy we now must resolve peacefully.”
“The sun sinks low in the horizen,” the Don observed. “Shall we retire to Mar A Lago for cocktails and oysters?”
CP Butchvarov 2025